Sin, Salvation, and Serenity Read online

  Had I sabotaged the chance to talk to her because I knew she would rush away? Was I intimidated by her? Either way, she was gone and I’d probably wait another week.

  I wasn’t in the mood to socialize, and with Easter drawing near, I’d promised to take Carson to visit the bunny at the mall. On top of wanting to share the moment with him, I didn’t dare ask my parents to take him even though they had far more free time.

  It turns out, attending church wasn’t the only thing my parents wanted me to do in exchange for helping with Carson. A few home repairs and family gatherings kept my free time extremely limited. Surely part of their plan.

  And I was truly grateful for the free childcare while I paid off the bills my ex left me in the divorce. Financial burden was a small price to pay for her giving up parental rights. Not that she’d been exercising them, and she definitely hadn’t been accepting her responsibilities. Bigger, less finite issues like not fighting with her and not having to worry about her impact on Carson far outweighed a few years of extra-long hours at work.

  I found Carson and told him it was time to go, waiting until we were inside the car to mention I was taking him to see the bunny. A good call since he predictably burst into enthusiastic chatter.

  We made it to the mall right as they opened and had the place to ourselves before a line formed. Score.

  I studied the order form. No use buying a mega-pack of pictures since there was no family to give them to. I chose the smallest option. As long as Carson and I each got one we’d be fine.

  He was already on the bunny’s lap when the payment finished processing.

  “Daddy, the Easter Bunny’s a girl!” Carson squealed.

  “Alright, smile for the camera,” I said trying to get him to focus.

  The bunny managed to stop his wiggles with her giant paws and Carson stilled long enough to get a photo.

  “Thanks, bunny,” I said and extended my hand for Carson to join me. Bunny didn’t respond. Antisocial public figures, great.

  Carson hopped down and we both waved, but Carson added, “Bye Bunny, don’t forget to bring me candy.”

  I made note of the request, and that Bunny only waved. Had the bunny said something for Carson to assume she was a girl, or was I biased to assume it was male? Didn’t matter. As soon as the pictures printed, we’d head to the food court.

  “Miss Bunny, how do you hide all of the eggs in one night?” Carson called back to her.

  I tousled his hair. A delay. How was Bunny not prepared for that question?

  “I hop really fast.” Her answer was barely audible.

  I froze, nearly dropping the pictures the clerk was handing to me. The voice belonged to Serenity.

  Why hadn’t she said hi? Had she, to Carson? Was it something personal against me? I leaned down and quietly asked, “Hey Carson, do you know who she is?”

  “Easter Bunny!”

  “Yep, exactly right.” My heart swelled. Curiosity and opportunity had me determined to take advantage of the situation. “Want to hang out a minute?”

  “Can I play?”

  “Sure thing.”

  He dashed off to the toy area next to where the line would form, not a care in the world.

  I waited for him to settle then headed straight to Bunny. Her secret was safe. We’d probably grown up with the same beliefs about the ills of commercializing religious holidays which made it all the more strange she was here. “Hey.”

  She stood and mumbled. “I’m about to go on break.”

  “Mall’s only been open ten minutes. Mind if I hang out while Carson plays?”

  She sat and her big paws did their best to clutch one another.

  I chose my words carefully. “You have a beautiful voice. Angelic. You should sing.”

  A pause. “Now?”

  A chuckle escaped. “I’d love a serenade, but I mean in general.”

  “I do. At church.” Bunny’s enormous head remained straight forward. Was she watching me through the mesh-covered openings?

  Was I evil for not telling her I knew? Would that also mean she was rude for not acknowledging Carson or me? I wasn’t sure why, but I liked the game of the pseudo-masquerade. “I don’t have a lot to judge by but you were great with Carson. You must have a knack for kids.”

  “Thanks.” Her voice was soft.

  I fought back the desire to touch her, because after what our handshake did to me, I was certain further touching would unleash my inner beast. And when a comment about bunnies having lots of babies tickled my tongue, I clamped my mouth shut. The best I could do was direct a detour. “You have kids?”

  A furry hand waved as if my comment was so crazy she had to push it away. “Oh, no.”

  “A shame.” I coughed, reining myself in. “I’m sure you’ll be a great mom someday.” That didn’t help.

  She giggled and my heart melted. Keeping her voice quiet, she said, “So flattering.”

  “Must be your big, beautiful eyes that drew me in.” I reached forward and trailed my hand over the costume’s temple. What I wouldn’t give to do that to her directly.

  Another giggle. Her paw grazed my arm as I dropped it to the static smile that was bigger than hers but not nearly as captivating. The weight of the head leaned into my hand ever so slightly. I wanted to believe she did that on purpose.

  “Does it get lonely in there, nobody recognizing you for who you really are? Nobody appreciating your true beauty and talent?” I glanced at Carson to stop myself from getting weird… weirder.

  A heavy exhale and she fanned herself, presumably ineffectively. “It’s usually not too bad until the three thousandth kid or so, but today, it’s heating up pretty quickly.”

  I liked the direction we were headed but a family stepped in line. Thinking of her all sweaty wasn’t a wise idea in public anyway. I took the interruption to get Carson and leave. It was enough to know where she rushed off to every Sunday, and probably where she spent other days.

  Carson and I were supposed to get lunch then head home but we ended up burning the next few hours at the mall when a massive thunderstorm broke out and neither of us wanted to get drenched running to the car. Between the play area, window shopping, and the arcade, we spent quality time together while Carson rambled about everything under the sun. Just the two of us. And a glimpse of Bunny every time we walked past the central area.

  Babies quit crying in her arms, toddlers broke into smiles, and the couple of teenagers who sat with her had no idea how close they were to infringing on my territory. I quelled the venom that spiked, reminding myself they were sitting with a fictional bunny, not with my Bunny.

  Since lunch had worn off but the storm hadn’t, Carson and I extended the magic of our day by heading back to the food court. A smoothie and pretzel would make a perfect snack to tide us over until the six o’clock sharp dinner my mom had planned, two hours away.

  Chilling with Carson was the best relaxation. I watched his cheeks suck in as he gulped the smoothie then I let him have the rest of the sauce while he finished our pretzel.

  My efforts to wipe cheesy dip from his face resulted in smearing the mess across his cheek when he turned and shouted, “There’s my teacher from church.”

  My gut sank. I hated feeling like a teenager again, worried someone might tell my mother where they’d seen me.

  Carson was waving furiously and I made one more pass with the napkin to clean his face.

  Sinners unite. I grumbled, ready to apologize if it was Mrs. Davis on patrol. I’d heard she was overzealous at times which made me wonder why she’d chosen me, a known sinner, to give ideas to the church.

  Through the mass of people, I had no trouble landing my eyes on Serenity. Out of costume. I’d assumed she would work the entire noon-to-six shift. “Bunny,” I said under my breath.

  The costume was the only thing I’d ever seen that was able to hide her figure. The ass-hugging yoga pants and blouse did not. She’d changed from the dress she’d worn to church.

/>   I rubbed my legs. Should I approach? She hadn’t seen or heard Carson, or she was pretending not to. The latter would have seemed likely after she opted not to address us. Our conversation had unnerved me though.

  Was it better or worse that I had Carson with me? Didn’t matter, Carson and I were out of our seats, tossing our scraps in the trash, and heading straight for her.

  Being twenty-nine, it wasn’t appropriate to run in the mall, but Carson had my back. He made it to her and was tugging on her shirt. Something was wrong with my life if I had a five-year-old for a wingman. I couldn’t wait to have free adult time again and hang with friends my own age, although I only imagined spending time with Serenity.

  She had a cute as hell, nervous expression when she greeted us, and gave Carson a big hug.

  Fuck. I was in trouble. I was going to make her mine. Someday. Somehow.

  “Hey,” I said as I bridged the last couple of feet between us.

  “Daddy, my friend is here, can I go play?” Carson’s short attention span had already lost interest in adult stuff. He was motioning to the play area with animals and nature things the kids could climb on. I nodded to the kid’s mom who was sitting with friends. Was it a sign that Serenity and I deserved a minute together?

  “Sure, Carson, have fun.” My attention went one hundred percent to Serenity.

  She shook her hands and grimaced. “Please don’t say anything about me being here on Sunday. My parents would be furious.”

  Ironically, parental issues gave us common ground. That was about it. Would she care that I was in a completely different part of my life? Was there any chance she’d be interested in a guy who already had a kid?

  “Serenity.” I had to say her name out loud, let it roll off my tongue. “I’m here. I’m shopping, and I’m fully aware it’s Sunday. Your secret’s safe.”

  “Thank you.” She clasped her hands as if in prayer then reached out and grabbed my arms. She jerked back just as quickly and her eyes went wide. “Sorry, I… since I had to move back in… ugh, I feel like such a loser…”

  Her fists clenched and unclenched while she struggled to complete her thought.

  Chapter 4

  Serenity

  I was so busted. But if one person from the congregation was going to catch me breaking the rules, I was glad it was Eli. And the way he’d said my secret was safe had me wanting to create a lot more secrets with him.

  Had it been his way of saying he knew I was the bunny? A topic I would steer clear of just in case, no need to identify more transgressions.

  I tried to calm myself. My mind couldn’t function when I was only a foot away from him. I lingered on his green eyes a beat too long, but his lips only served to complicate matters because he licked them and all of the wrong parts of me found his tongue fascinating.

  I couldn’t get a coherent thought out. My plan to walk into adulthood with my head held high must not have included dealing with a man as tempting as Eli. How was I supposed to converse with him when I couldn’t figure out where to look? His dark hair tempted my fingers. His broad chest made my body ache to lean against it. His jeans, oh lord… I diverted my gaze past him. Please forgive me.

  “I could use a friend. Want to hang out for a minute while Carson plays?” He reached for my hand and took a step toward the bench.

  The gentle tickle of his fingers over my palm made me want to have his babies. How embarrassing. I’d wanted to believe my parents were wrong when they’d said a woman imprinted on the first man she had sex with, but if the innocent touch of his fingers could make me want to reproduce, what would the touch of his other parts do?

  Edging my hand into his grasp, I let him lead me to sit near the kids. It was the polite thing to do. All of the other parents had people to talk to. I was being a friend. That’s all he had asked for, not a baby mama, and definitely not a wife.

  I couldn’t recall ever reacting to a guy like that. The few dates I’d been on had led to nothing. I’d worried my upbringing had scared me into keeping guys in the friend zone from the pressure of finding ‘the one’. The tingles racing through my body assured me the other guys had belonged in the friend zone. Not Eli.

  But was I misguided to believe a grown man would be interested in a college girl? Did he feel tingles? Maybe that wasn’t a guy thing.

  When we sat on the bench and his leg brushed mine, I prayed he was giving me a hint. Another misuse of prayer. But if I couldn’t ask for guidance when I most needed it, what good was it? The dry panties prayer had decidedly failed and I was going to hell for sure. If that was a certainty, would further resistance be futile?

  “Your parents take the ‘Sunday is for the Lord’ thing to heart, too?” His voice was low and smooth, reaching some part of me beyond words and went straight to soulful connection.

  I’d been staring at the way our knees touched but tried to relax against the back of the seat, pretending to watch the kids. “I love the reminder to take a break from our worldly pursuits every Sunday. And I want to respect my parents’ wishes since they let me move back home. This job is super temporary.”

  Oops. So much for not bringing up the bunny thing.

  Eli took it in stride and shifted backward.

  My peripheral vision remained keenly aware he was fixed on me.

  I didn’t want him to stop looking.

  “How old are you?” he asked.

  Would this be the answer that made him lose what appeared to be interest? I didn’t want to talk about what divided us, but my age wasn’t exactly something I could lie about. “Nineteen.”

  He rubbed a hand over his mouth and it lingered there.

  My indiscretions weren’t big in the grand scheme, but that didn’t stop me from feeling defensive. Was I about to get a lesson on holding true to my faith? Not letting small rebellions pave the path to bigger ones? Eli didn’t have room to—

  “Serenity. It’s admirable to want to honor your parents’ wishes especially while you’re relying on them, but outside of our small town and even smaller church, the world operates by a different set of rules.”

  Was I imagining him being the voice of authority? Would he freak out if I leaned into him? Why could I barely focus on his words? My hands had been clasped in my lap and I slid one to the bench where my pinky finger could skim his jeans.

  A quarter inch of contact shouldn’t have been enough to steal my breath. And I shouldn’t have pressed the rest of my finger into him. It didn’t help my breaths any. We were in public. What if someone saw? “But people who live by different rules…What if they’re wrong?”

  His hand dropped onto mine. “Is that for us to judge?”

  I savored his touch while questioning myself. “We can’t truly know why other people do the things they do. It’s not our place to judge, but we can make ourselves better. Learn from their mistakes.”

  His fingers brushed over mine filling me with more life than I’d ever experienced. “Sounds like judgment’s already being passed. Serenity. What have you heard about me?”

  “You’re divorced. You’re at least taking care of your kid.” I flipped my hand over and gripped his. The strength, calluses, and heat did more to me than I thought possible on top of the wave of confusion already surging through me. I squeezed and met his gaze to share a sad smile. “Sorry. That sounded wrong. You’re awesome for taking care of your kid.”

  He shook his head, almost imperceptibly. “It’s the right thing to do, but what you’ve heard is the simple version. Has anyone mentioned that Sandra and I waited until we were married to have sex? We finished college then carefully planned when she would get pregnant so that I was financially stable enough to provide for my family. We weren’t perfect, but it worked… until she freaked out. Parties, not coming home at night… like having a kid had trapped her and she had to break free.”

  I froze when he paused, afraid he wouldn’t continue. Why was he sharing his painful past? Was I special to him? Or did he just want someone to listen,
hear the full story? And while the gossip circles had painted horrible pictures of Eli’s ex-wife, I sympathized with the idea of being trapped. Had she suffered the same struggle as me trying to figure out how to live up to the ideals I’d been taught? Did she snap? Would I do the same if I couldn’t be the perfect mother?

  Eli saved me from my mental torture by continuing, “I never understood what happened. I loved her with all my heart. But that wasn’t enough. She spent all of our savings and ran up credit card bills. I was terrified. No amount of counseling helped her believe she could be a good mother. Then it all stopped when she filed for divorce, signed away her parental rights, and left. I downsized so I could maintain my own place but the monthly bills were staggering and something had to give. Even though my parents don’t believe in divorce, they agreed to help with Carson while I get back on my feet. What part of that should I be punished for? Wasn’t the burden of my experience the punishment?”

  Stunned was only the tip of the iceberg. The gossipy whispers hadn’t told the full story. They rarely did. But it wasn’t the factual information that impassioned me, it was how Eli trusted me.

  The sounds of shoppers and happy children faded from my consciousness as Eli became my entire world. How could I relieve his pain? He’d trusted me with words, but would he trust me with his son? My body trembled with the desire to let him know I was there for him, and always wanted to be. But shouldn’t we go on a date before I committed my life. Was a guarded conversation in a bunny costume followed by a big reveal about his past the extent of our courtship? Aside from staring at each other in church, of course.

  I was jumping ahead of myself.

  My friends agonized over how many likes they got on social media. I never wanted that. I always dreamed of something more. My mind blurred.

  I raised my hand, bringing his with it, and cupped his cheek. Before I could unblur the lines, our lips connected. Warm, soft, and quickly morphing to something deeper. Something that took us to a different level.